My block isn't so much is there or isn't there a God, I know that comes from faith and not so much proving if he did or didn't exist. My block comes right from the very beginning…

We are told that God created man and woman, he gave them free will, after all, why would any of us want to create something that followed us just because we had programmed them to. Free will is a wonderful thing, and I don't think anyone has felt theirs challenged in our generation more than right now during a lockdown, where some of our free will has been removed, it's not a nice feeling, but why did God then plant them temptation? We all know, human nature is such that you tell someone they can't do it, they instinctively want to do it! Now my Toby is naturally quite a recluse, he loves home and all its comforts… but now he can't go out, that's all he wants to do!

We also know that God knew exactly what would happen, he knew the future, all of it, from the flood, to Jesus' murder, to the Jews suffering, to tsunamis and famine, terrorism, cancer, dementia, pain and suffering would be felt by all, to today's now COVID-19 pandemic.

When I used to read the bible, we read verses so easily, God flooded the earth, he saved eight, he made a rainbow to promise her wouldn't do it again. This is my first feeling of dislike of God, and it's a really strong anger at him, which I don't in any way mean to offend anyone with my words. I watched a film a few years ago about the tsunami and this was the first time I'd ever seen images that must have reflected and portrayed the sheer destruction and horrific devastation that the flood caused. Now I know you'll tell me people were given the chance to be saved, that's fair enough, adults yes, but are you telling me there were no children? Watch people drowning, children, and you tell me how a God can be all loving when he can torture and kill those people purely because they didn't follow him. The only piece of kindness I see is that he gave the ark no windows, as for those eight on the ark, they'd have been traumatised for life witnessing the mass murder. I can only hope too that god erased every dead body and mark of destruction before they left the ark as that sight and stench must have been indescribable.

Only recently we took the children to watch Jo Jo Rabbit, a film about the Jews, and also the boy in the striped pyjamas, innocent people lived years of horrific mass torture, murder, children left with no one, real pain and suffering like none of us could ever ever comprehend. I genuinely cannot imagine the tears shed, the hearts broken, the families torn apart and the grief. It's all in Gods plan you tell me? If my children ever suffered like that, I'd never forgive or accept that God sat back and let that happen, and why? Yet again because he wants people to need him, worship him, adore him for all he's created.

All this is for what, a life eternal. I'm still baffled as to why this is offered as a reward. My everything is my children, the life I have with them. The kingdom that is offered is nothing like what I live for. We are told that the kingdom is for those that follow and obey God, a life forever with our family and loved ones, this is the comfort in death, you all believe you will be reunited with those you've lost. But will there be memories of this world? I hope to goodness not… why? My biggest heartache is that mum would endure 'forever' with not all her family there, just as many other families that are made up of believers and non-believers. What about those that have lost loved ones and remarried, even gone onto have more children, who do they belong to and love in the kingdom? All those things you cling to for comfort of your grief in this world cannot be what is actually being offered.

This brings me to the final problem. So if that thought is too unbearable then perhaps our memories of this world are erased, and so, in turn, the suffering and heartache of this world has been for nothing. We are told that sin will be no more, must be as death will be no more, so once again we are back in the Garden of Eden yet this time without free will and no ability to sin…. So why didn't he do this in the first place? Millions upon millions have felt heartbreaking grief and suffering at the mercy of others and disease, yet actually, all of this was for nothing. God gets his army of followers, memories wiped, sin impossible and a happy band of robots all content they have eternal life. Yet my heart breaks every time I think of the suffering others have felt for God to achieve all this.

I care not for prophecy, for proof that God is real. I care not for an eternal life or to be reunited once again with those I've lost, for these are all things we cling to as humans to cope with grief. God doesn't promise all this. God promises he will do what he needs to achieve adoration. He will blame it on humans that it is their error, their own cause, but God created each and everyone one of us apparently, with this fault that he will one day supposedly remove. That's not a loving God, that isn't a God that created a world for his so-called children. He to me is like any other God or power-hungry leader, in need people kneeling before them, full of empty promises and appealing to every human's weakness.

One day Jesus might return, who knows, all those stories might yet be true, yet I'm deemed a bad person, I live a constant sin being remarried, my children don't accept God, we will be treated however God has chosen to deal with people like us, but I choose that threat over bowing before him, a God who in my eyes is no better than Hitler. I don't need his promises, I don't need the promise of life eternal, why do you?